Galaxy Race Read online

  For Henry Bedford and his sisters Niamh

  and Florence ~ L A C

  For Alice ~ J D

  CONTENTS

  Title Page

  Dedication

  MEET THE SPACE PENGUINS…

  INTRODUCTION

  1. YUCK!

  2. ARGOS MEGABUX

  3. ENTERING THE RACE

  4. ANADIN SKYPORKER

  5. A POISONOUS INVITATION

  6. SKITTLES

  7. DARK WADER’S EVIL PLAN

  8. BANG!

  9. ROCKY SAYS SORRY

  10. SHOOT TO SWILL!

  11. WHOOPS!

  12. VICTORY!

  POSTSCRIPT

  Copyright

  CAPTAIN:

  Captain T. Krill Emperor penguin

  Height: 1.10m

  Looks: yellow ear patches and noble bearing

  Likes: swordfish minus the sword

  Lab tests: showed leadership qualities in fish challenge

  Guaranteed to: keep calm in a crisis

  FIRST MATE (ONCE UPON A TIME):

  Beaky Wader, now known as Dark Wader

  Once Emperor penguin, now part-robot

  Height: 1.22m

  Looks: shiny black armour and evil laugh

  Likes: prawn pizzas and ruling the universe

  Lab tests: cheated at every challenge

  Guaranteed to: cause trouble

  PILOT (WITH NO SENSE OF DIRECTION):

  Rocky Waddle

  Rockhopper penguin

  Height: 45cm

  Looks: long yellow eyebrows

  Likes: mackerel ice cream

  Lab tests: fastest slider in toboggan challenge

  Guaranteed to: speed through an asteroid belt while reading charts upside-down

  SECURITY OFFICER AND HEAD CHEF:

  Fuzz Allgrin

  Little Blue penguin

  Height: 33cm

  Looks: small with fuzzy blue feathers

  Likes: fish fingers in cream and truffle sauce

  Lab tests: showed creativity and aggression in ice-carving challenge

  Guaranteed to: defend ship, crew and kitchen with his life

  SHIP’S ENGINEER:

  Splash Gordon

  King penguin

  Height: 95cm

  Looks: orange ears and chest markings

  Likes: squid

  Lab tests: solved ice-cube challenge in under four seconds

  Guaranteed to: fix anything

  Welcome aboard the spaceship Tunafish. I am ICEcube, the cleverest on-board computer you will ever meet. I guide my ship and my space crew through the universe and get them out of FZZWZZ.

  I mean: trouble.

  My circuit boards got wet on our last mission and are still damp. I keep saying FZZWZZ for no reason. You have been warned.

  You will be surprised to learn that the crew on board the Tunafish are FZZWZZ.

  I mean: penguins.

  NASA sent me and five penguins on a top-secret space mission five earth years ago, aboard a special fish-shaped spaceship called the Tunafish. Then they lost us. My database says: epic fail.

  Oh well. Things could be worse. The Space Penguins have kept busy during their time up here. They are now famous across the universe for their intergalactic exploits.

  The planet Koffi changed its name to Planet T after Captain T. Krill’s bravery in the famous space battle of Boyling Ketl.

  Fuzz Allgrin, Chef and Security Officer, taught the planet Kung-fu-BBQ the difference between a lamb chop and a karate chop.

  Splash Gordon, the Ship’s Engineer and inventor, introduced power showers to the pongy aliens on the Planet Smelibot.

  And the Tunafish’s pilot, Rocky Waddle, got lost on the planet Strait-Ahed, which everyone thought was impossible.

  Now the Space Penguins just want to find a friendly planet where they can settle down and fish for FZZWZZ and slide around on the ice. The trouble is, they keep getting distracted. One minute they’re fighting their mortal enemy Dark Wader – an evil penguin robot with plans to rule the universe. The next they’re landing on wet planets, nearly drowning me and making me say FZZWZZ all the time.

  Uh oh. What’s this?

  An enormous ball of rotting food, floating among the stars! And it’s right in the Tunafish’s path.

  I ought to inform Captain Krill before we crash right into it. But he’s busy just now, giving Rocky Waddle some bad news. And Rocky’s not looking happy…

  “The answer is NO, Rocky,” said Captain Krill as the spaceship Tunafish cruised through Section F of the universe at around three hundred thousand light years an hour. “You CAN’T enter the Superchase Space Race this year.”

  “That’s what you said last year, Captain!” complained Rocky Waddle. “And the year before. And the year before that!”

  “The Superchase Space Race is the most dangerous race in the universe,” said Captain Krill, looking down at his pilot. As an emperor penguin, the Captain stood head and flippers above the rest of his crew. “Spaceships get smashed to bits every year. We can’t risk losing the Tunafish that way. She’s the only spaceship we’ve got.”

  “And the Emperor of Sossij wins every year anyway, doesn’t he?” said Splash. He lifted his inventor’s goggles to join in the conversation. Oil and grime streaked his face, hiding his orange ear patches. “I don’t know why anyone else bothers.”

  “But—” began Rocky.

  “Make like a sardine and can it, Rocky,” said Fuzz Allgrin. He folded his little blue penguin flippers across his even littler blue penguin tummy. “When Captain Krill says no, he means no.”

  “Thank you, Fuzz,” said Captain Krill.

  Rocky slid off his pilot’s chair and glared at the other Space Penguins. He flicked his long yellow eyebrows off his face. “You know what your problem is?” he said. “None of you have any imagination. The winner of the Superchase Space Race wins the Golden Galaxy Goblet, and fame and glory forever! I could win the Superchase Space Race with my eyes closed and my flippers tied behind my back. Everyone knows that I’m the best pilot in Outer Sp—”

  CRASH!

  The Tunafish shuddered in mid-air as something smashed into it. Fuzz fell over. Rocky rushed back to his pilot’s chair.

  “The best pilot in Outer Space?” said Fuzz, struggling to his feet. “Then how come we just CRASHED?”

  “What did we hit, Rocky?” asked Captain Krill.

  “I don’t know,” Rocky admitted, peering through the windscreen of the Tunafish. “It’s gone dark out there.”

  “We’re in Outer Space, trout brains,” said Fuzz. “It’s always dark out there.”

  “Darker than normal, I mean.” Rocky pointed with one flipper. “What in the name of cod is this stuff?”

  Something gloopy was covering the windscreen of the Tunafish, making it impossible to see out.

  “It looks like a thousand mouldy squelchglub cores,” said Splash.

  “So it does, by halibut!” said Fuzz. He stood on his tiptoes to get a better view. “There’s lots of old splattergunk peelings as well. And look! Dribblebog guts!”

  The squelchglub cores were brown. The splattergunk peelings were nearly black and the dribblebog guts were green. There was lots of other nameless mess, too, smeared across the glass. The stench was so strong they could even smell it from inside the spaceship.

  “Why have we crashed into a cosmic compost heap, ICEcube?” asked Captain Krill.

  ‘It’s not a compost heap, Captain,” said ICEcube. “It’s space-pig swill.”

  “Yuck!” gasped the Space Penguins.

  “The dribblebog guts look great,” said Fuzz. “I could turn them into fritters.”

  “Do you know why there’s space-pig swill floating around here, ICEcu
be?” asked the Captain.

  “Initiating swill analysis, Captain,” said ICEcube.

  Captain Krill smoothed his yellow ear patches. “Rocky? Move slowly,” he said. “And turn on the windscreen wipers. Best flippers forward, crew. And – go.”

  Rocky flew the Tunafish carefully out of the cloud of space-pig swill. The windscreen wipers moved slowly through the muck.

  SQUEE … squelch. SQUEE … squelch.

  “Those would make a lovely soup,” said Fuzz as several large dribblebog-bones slid down the windscreen. “I could pop on a spacesuit and collect a few.”

  “Absolutely not, Fuzz,” said Captain Krill firmly.

  “I have some information, Captain,” said ICEcube. “This pig swill must have come from some kind of weapon. I have detected gunpowder on several of the squelchglub cores. Perhaps the weapon fired a large cannonball of old space food at another spacecraft. The cannonball could have broken up and is now starting to float away.”

  “A cannonball made of old space food?” Captain Krill said. “How extraordinary.”

  “And there’s loads of it!” said Splash. “It must have been MASSIVE.”

  “So who fired it?” wondered Fuzz.

  “And what were they firing AT?” added Splash.

  Rocky scanned the horizon in case of another swill-gun attack. Nothing. The Tunafish flew on, slowly and carefully. Its windscreen wipers were working harder than ever.

  SQUEE … squelch. SQUEEE … squelch. SQUEEEE … squelch.

  “My heat sensors are detecting a small FZZWZZ in the middle of this food field,” said ICEcube.

  “Spaceship dead ahead!” cried Rocky.

  A spaceship of some kind had suddenly appeared through the gloom. It was a sorry sight, dripping with splattergunk peelings and old dribblebog bits. The Space Penguins could just make out a gleam of white underneath the filth. There was no sign of life through the mucked-up windows.

  Captain Krill reached for the communications button.

  “Mystery spacecraft, this is the Tunafish,” he said. “Identify yourself.”

  A weak voice came through the speakers.

  “Thank the cosmos you’re here! This is Argos Megabux of the planet Speedizoom, aboard my raceship, the Flashaway. I was heading for the Superchase Space Race when THIS happened.”

  “How come he gets to go to the Superchase Space Race and I don’t?” Rocky grumbled.

  “What can we do to help you, Argos Megabux?” Captain Krill asked.

  “Get me out of here!” Argos Megabux cried. “I swear, I’m going to be sick. It smells THAT bad. I can’t see a thing through the windows. Could you hose me down or something?”

  “Splash?” said Captain Krill. “Prime the pressure cannons.”

  “Right away, Captain,” said Splash, waddling off to the engine room. “Tell Megabux to power up the thruster rockets. Our pressure cannons pack a punch.”

  BLAM BLAM BLAM!

  The Tunafish’s pressure cannons fired air bullets at Argos Megabux’s ship, battering their way through the muck. Slowly but surely, a magnificent spacecraft appeared before the Space Penguins’ eyes.

  “Wow!” gasped Rocky, forgetting to be cross.

  The Flashaway spun gently in space as the Tunafish’s pressure cannons pummelled it clean. It was a thing of beauty. It had a long neck and a sharp nose. Its neck tapered back to a pure white body, perfectly shaped for speed. The whole thing looked like a dive-bombing swan.

  “Great!” came Argos Megabux’s voice again. “Now I have to leave before my nostrils explode. Speedizoomians have an excellent sense of smell, so this is torture. We also have a lot of nostrils.”

  A delicate grey craft was tucked underneath the Flashaway’s shining body, like a cygnet hitching a ride on its mother’s feet. It detached from the Flashaway as the Space Penguins watched.

  “Thanks, Tunafish!” came the voice of Argos Megabux. “I’m out of here!”

  The little grey escape craft started jetting away through the food field.

  “Hey!” called Fuzz, stretching his little neck as high as it would go in order to reach the communications button. “You forgot your ship!”

  “I never want to smell it again!” came Argos Megabux’s voice. “You can have it if you want. As a way of saying thanks.”

  Rocky almost fell off his pilot’s chair. He leaned into the communications button. “Seriously? Don’t you want it any more?”

  “I’ll build another one,” said Argos Megabux breezily. “The Superchase Space Race can wait until next year. Right now I just need a shower and a very large rose bush to sniff away this horrible stink. I have the biggest garden on Planet Speedizoom, and my plumpi-puff sugar roses are calling me.”

  And the little grey escape-craft scorched away in a burst of jet flames, faster than the blink of an eye.

  “Plumpi-puff sugar roses?” said Fuzz. “What kind of alien was that guy?”

  “Did he just give us his raceship?” Rocky asked. “His top-of-the-range raceship? His gorgeous, sleek, fabulous, mega-fast and extremely expensive raceship? Just because it pongs a bit?”

  “It must be a mistake,” said Splash. “He’ll be back in a minute to fetch it.”

  The Space Penguins gazed out through the Tunafish’s windscreen. Bits of old squelchglubs bobbed past, but no Argos Megabux. The perfect white raceship hung among the stars, silent and still.

  “Well,” said Captain Krill at last. “It looks like it really is ours.”

  THUMP.

  Rocky slid to the floor.

  “I think Rocky just fainted,” said Splash. He patted Rocky on the cheeks with his flippers. “Tunafish to Rocky Waddle, come in?”

  Rocky sat up so suddenly that his beak spiked Splash in the tummy.

  “OW!” said Splash.

  “This means I can enter the Superchase Space Race!” Rocky gasped. “I can race the Flashaway instead of the Tunafish!”

  “Well…” Captain Krill hesitated.

  “Just look at that machine,” said Rocky in excitement. “It’s designed to win. And with me at the helm, the Golden Galaxy Goblet’s in the bag!”

  “But it’s dangerous!” said Splash.

  “Space Penguins love danger!” said Fuzz. “We breathe catastrophe! Our hearts pump to the beat of crashing spaceships! If Rocky blows up with the Flashaway, we’ll find another pilot. Simple.”

  “Thanks, Fuzz,” said Rocky. He frowned. “I think.”

  “I’m not saying you WILL explode,” Fuzz added. “I actually do think you’ll win.”

  “I still don’t like it,” said Splash. “What about the swill gun that messed up the Flashaway in the first place? We don’t know who swilled Megabux, or why. They might come back and swill US instead.”

  “It was probably just a random space bandit,” said Captain Krill. “Argos Megabux was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don’t think we should worry about it, Splash. Let’s try this race.”

  “Scorching scallops!” hooted Rocky. “We’re in!”

  In the middle of Section E of the universe (which of course is next to Section F), a bright silver Squid-G fighter with long, trailing tentacles scooted through the stars in hot pursuit of the Tunafish.

  An enormous robot, half penguin and half machine, glided around the Squid-G cabin. His oiled wheels made no sound. He glared through the windscreen with laser eyes. It was Dark Wader – renegade penguin and mortal enemy of the Space Penguins!

  “Is the signal still coming through, Crabba?” he said to the crab-like creature at the controls of the Squid-G. “Is your jelly-cam on the Tunafish’s fuselage still sending us the correct coordinates for that tin can of penguins?”

  “Yes, boss,” said the crusty little alien at the controls. The eyes at the top of its claws blinked at Dark Wader. “There’s a new message coming through now.”

  TUNAFISH HEADING FOR PLANET SOSSIJ IN SECTION G TO ENTER THE SUPERCHASE SPACE RACE.

  Dark Wader burst out laughing. “They’
re entering the Superchase Space Race in that rusty box of scrap metal, the Tunafish? They don’t stand a chance! Oh, my sides! My sides are splitting…!”

  There was a crunching noise of breaking metal. Dark Wader stopped laughing.

  “Crabba? My sides just split. Weld me back together.”

  The jelly-cam sent a new message.

  SPACE PENGUINS ARE ENTERING A RACESHIP CALLED THE FLASHAWAY IN THE SUPERCHASE SPACE RACE. THEY ARE NOT ENTERING THE TUNAFISH.

  “That changes things,” said Dark Wader thoughtfully as the Squid-G hurtled past a large sign saying WELCOME TO SECTION F OF THE UNIVERSE. FLY SAFELY. “We’ve never entered the Superchase Space Race, have we, Crabba? Why not?”

  “Because the Emperor of Sossij always wins the Golden Galaxy Goblet,” Crabba said. “And you hate losing.”

  “Maybe this year things could be different,” said Dark Wader. “If the Space Penguins think they have a chance in their fine new raceship, then so do I – in my own sneaky way. Set the coordinates for Section G of the universe and the planet Sossij at once, Crabba. It’s vital that we get there before the Tunafish. I have a plan to make this a SIZZLING race!”

  Deep in Section G of the universe, the planet Sossij was preparing to host the annual Superchase Space Race.

  Flags flew all over the capital city of Bangerz. Bunting fluttered from lamp posts and trees. Huge billboards beside the roads read: SUPERCHASE SPACE RACE! HEATS TODAY! FINAL TOMORROW! The skies were full of aliens arriving for the big race. It was a colourful sight.

  High above Bangerz stood the tall towers of the Sossij Imperial Palace. And on the Imperial balcony, near the top of the tallest palace tower, stood the Emperor of Sossij, Anadin Skyporker.

  Anadin Skyporker was small and pink. His butterfly-shaped ears twinkled with enormous jewels. His tiny eyes were sharp and his nose was snouty. He wore red shoes with platforms to make himself taller, and a long purple cloak that swirled around his porky shoulders. He looked cross as he gazed down on the bustle of Bangerz far below.